Fight Like a Girl - Now I'm Scared
Alright, I'll admit it...I'm scared. This is a really shitty time to be fighting cancer...not that there is really a 'good' time, but with COVID-19 running rampant its a terrible time to have to be going into the hospital 5 days a week for radiation!!! The thing is I don't really have a choice, this treatment is really time sensitive. I've had 7 out of 16 radiation zaps so far. Its a relatively easy process, they line me up very efficiently and they are always compassionate and pleasant. I am starting to turn sunburn pink on the left side but so far no skin abrasion, although I'm told it may not show up until the end of my treatment.
I, at least, am at a point in my treatment that is routine, I can drive myself and I'm in/out in 25min tops. It breaks my heart to see people obviously at the beginning of their cancer journeys, scared and holding onto their loved ones for support, only to be told 'patients only' can enter the hospital, spouses, children etc must wait outside. I witnessed a couple yesterday where the wife was soooo worried, she couldn't attend the appointment with her husband and he looked confused. The staff tries to accommodate as best they can, having a porter with him at all times and providing a phone for her to be able to answer questions from the car, but as someone who benefitted from the security of having Adam with me during those first appointments, I can feel for them and the extra burden this pandemic has caused them. Add that to the fear someone with a compromised immune system feels on a daily basis and this just tips the scales.
Adam obviously can't work from home and my kids are way too young to stay by themselves so we don't have a choice but to bring help in. My parents are the only 'safe' option for me, they stayed isolated as soon as this all started to make sure they would be available for me but I'm terrified for them too. I mean Adam is still working, transferring possible cases everyday, and although he still has access to and properly uses his PPE, there is an increased risk for him and consequently us. Sanitizer is in the vehicles and at our doors, and he already was used to disrobing right away and showering after work so it hasn't needed a big change in routine that way, but still its always on my mind.
Every tickle in my throat, every time Asher coughs, whenever Ben says he has a headache, if my Dad clears his throat, if my Mom says she feels a chill....its absolutely nerve-wracking.
I'm not generally a worrier, if I can't do something about it I don't see the point in fretting. I trust in science and think if you exercise common sense then most things can be figured out. But this disease is different. We don't have the science to back it up and 'common sense' measures seem to change everyday. I oscillate between wanting to put everyone I know in a bubble and telling myself to chill out because being on edge everyday isn't doing anybody any favours (my box of merlot helps!).
In the big picture we are doing well. We had a lot of food in the freezer/pantry (thank you friends and family!) so we are slowly working our way through that. Adam had bought all the supplies to finish the basement on sale over the last few months, we laughed at him for stockpiling it, I guess he's the one laughing now since he can continue on it amidst the chaos. I too am working through my stockpile of yarn and sending some out to my Grandma as well. She has been knitting up a ton of hats and mitts to donate to the shelters in the fall. I also have been completing a bunch of WIP (works in progress) and will be posting them to my online store once I get some decent photos of them.
It's nice that Spring is finally here. I love hearing the birdsong in the morning, especially when the kids sleep in and I can savour my coffee in quiet. They started official online learning this week so it has been good to be in a bit of a routine with 'school' in the morning and outside play in the afternoon.
I hope you are all doing well and staying safe!
Love, Katie