Fight Like a Girl - Roller Coaster Ride

You know the drop at the top of the roller coaster? The way your stomach feels like its in your throat and you can't even scream, the point where you regret deciding to go so high in the first place. That was me about 3 weeks ago. I was all set for surgery, ready to be done with chemo and for my hair to start growing back. Ready to start feeling more like myself and yes, vainly, look a whole lot better. I was looking forward to summer. I had started looking at bathing suits and sundresses my new boobs would actually fill out. Planning commitments like Lions events and yoga trainings.

Then the universe has handed me a big ol NOPE

I feel like everything that makes me - me, is being ripped away piece by piece. First my ability to make decisions for myself and my health. I was now putting my complete trust in doctors because I didn't have the time to do my own research and learn pretty much anything. Then my independence. I needed to rely on my family for basically everything, meals being made, looking after my kids, driving to ALL the appointments because I was so weak from chemo. I couldn't be a part of the school council or my Lions club because I couldn't commit to anything or be around people or keep thoughts straight in my head. Then my hair disappeared and along with it what it feels like to be feminine. Then my eyelashes and eyebrows and never mind feeling feminine, now I don't even feel human. I was holding onto the hope that at least I could have some decent boobs soon but apparently thats a no-go now. At the very last minute my reconstruction was cancelled and my mastectomy is now delayed until February 21st.

I don't like to play the 'woe is me' game generally, but seriously, WTF! I was grateful for all the little things, I appreciated all the work that has gone into keeping me alive, I followed the directions and did as I was told, so why couldn't I have something to make me feel better and look forward to the near future? And all these things about looking for the positive and staying strong... I'm mad, and angry and sad and frustrated. I don't want to have to be satisfied that 'someday' I 'might' be able to feel confident looking in a mirror.

The reconstruction was cancelled for good reason though, although it took me a while to see it that way. There is a new chemo clinical trial, available as of December, that I can be a candidate for, depending on the pathology results from my mastectomy. Catch is I need to start it 12 weeks after surgery and the odds I wouldn't be healed enough if I did get immediate reconstruction were too high. I can still have reconstruction in the next year or so but my options might be more limited since radiated skin isn't as elastic but I'll have to discuss with my plastic surgeon. There is always the option of NOT reconstructing but right now that isn't sitting too well with me. I guess I have a year to try it out though.

Adam and I are planning on a mini vacay before surgery, just a night away with dinner and massages, sort of a boob-voyage I guess. Its been nice to plan something. Everyday I take a moment to appreciate my breasts, they've always been nice and perky, never got in the way, provided pleasure, and fed my two babies. I'm not exactly ready to have them gone but I guess since they have tried to kill me I should say good riddance?

It's strange knowing I will go to sleep with them, and then wake up without. I'm getting anxious about the surgery, I'm certainly not looking forward to the inevitable pain. Benefits are though that this surgery will be easier to recover from than it would have been with reconstruction, and after the sutures heal I can pretty much return to normal activity. Radiation will then start for 5 weeks and we'll be driving an hour round trip for 20mins everyday but I've got my Aloe Vera gel all ready and everyday will be one step closer to being cancer free!