Ten days post surgery and I'm doing better than I expected. On surgery day, at 5 am, Adam and I woke up to head into the hospital. I already had my bag packed and comfy clothes ready so I brushed my teeth and waited for the car to warm up. After checking in we were led to bed #6, my lucky number! The nurses were warm and friendly, the anesthesiologists resident was nervous but thorough, and with the Lorazepam they gave me to settle my nerves I was feeling pretty good. Then the surgeon came in and said I looked like I had gained weight......granted from his point of view it was a good thing since it meant I looked healthy, but still not exactly what a girl wants to hear when feeling vulnerable. Oh well, just another thing to add to the list of ways I've changed.
8 am rolls around and I'm rolled down to the operating room. It was nice that everyone in the room introduced themselves with friendly smiles and after a few deep breaths through the mask I was off to la-la land.
Apparently the surgery took longer than expected and at the 4 hr. mark Adam was getting worried but the surgeon came out and told him everything went well, he removed 5 lymph nodes and they tested negative for cancer cells which is great news! Everything will still be sent to pathology to be really sure and I won't get those results for a few weeks. I was in recovery but coming out of the anesthetic was a bit emotional for me, I was crying....hard. Apparently I kept asking for Adam so they broke protocol and let him come to me. I just felt like I had this ball of crying that had to come out, I said "I want to ugly cry, like when Mufasa dies!" So they let me cry for a bit, but when they told me I couldn't be moved to the next stage of recovery until I calmed down I reigned those tears in, I just wanted to go home. Roughly 12 hours after I left that morning I was crawling back into my bed.
I slept most of the first 4 days. The overall pain is manageable, mostly I'm just uncomfortable because I'm a side/stomach sleeper and that's pretty much impossible right now. I had two drains in, one on each side, and although they didn't hurt I was constantly worried about pulling them out or somehow stopping the flow. I needed to get to the point of draining less than 30ml in 24hrs before they could come out so my first one was removed on day 6 and the other might be ready in a few days.
The nurses took my bandages off on day 2, but I still have a million stri-strips holding my incision together, they will fall off on their own as the skin heals underneath them. Its going to make for some wicked battle scars. I've seen pictures of other women who have had the same surgery and they have a scar that is a couple inches long across where their breast was, for me though I'm sliced from arm pit to arm pit with only an inch gap right in the middle. If I look at myself sideways in the mirror my chest is actually concave now, which makes my stomach stick out. Adam says its still an hourglass figure.....cheeky bugger.
On the upside my hair is totally coming in!! And my eyebrows are mostly back and my lashes are coming in thick although not very long yet. At least when I look in the mirror at my face I don't immediately think of how 'sick' I look, I might even try going out without feeling like I have to put my hair on.
I really have the best support system. My family and friends are so completely there for me I just feel really lucky. My Mother-in-law has held down the fort here, making delicious meals, looking after my boys and making sure I get lots of rest. And then my parents came up to take the next shift and my friends have been checking in. My friend Sarah even sent up some awesome 'boob' cookies! A little humour goes a long way sometimes. I'm really grateful that I have been given a second chance at this life, that even though it's been quite a journey so far, my diagnosis wasn't the end for me.
A cousin sent up a book of poetry written by a cancer doctor who became a cancer patient, its been a really interesting read and I thought I'd share a poem that caught my attention:
Support
Do you know of a fear where the world all stand still
It all seems surreal, I can't be this ill
And nights when those demons, dance in your head
Replaying the news of what doctors said
Though this is your race, a crowd cheers you on
And picks you back up when the road seems too long
Your team by your side gives you more strength to fight
Pull you out of the holes and into the light
It's trusting that team who'll always be there
The most precious gift is the time that they share
-Dr Alexandra Ginty MD