Fight Like a Girl - delayed gratification

I’ve never been one for delayed gratification, sustained patience is not a virtue I possess. I enjoy the beginning of things, the starting of new projects, the big ideas that come with it. Gathering resources, bringing together all the information and formulating of a plan excites me, follow through though....meh, not my favourite. At that point I like to hand it it off to someone else and watch how successful it is while I get to start something else new. Some could call me flighty, on the other hand you can say I’m a quick thinker, an efficient problem solver. I don’t dwell on things that aren't working, I find a way to make them work in a timely manner. BUT I can't control this situation...

Even though the first part of this journey, from initial findings to starting treatment, seemed like it was happening at lightning speed, I didn’t really mind. I enjoyed the feeling of progress, there was always something new to consider and process, I felt I was always DOING something. Now things have settled into monotony and frankly .... I’m over it.

The repetition of chemo is fully in place. Every other Friday I go for blood work and meet with my oncologist to make sure I'm healthy enough for the next round. The following Monday morning I go in for chemo and my week of being a china doll begins. Family comes up to help with the kids and dogs and I can sleep anytime I want, buuuuut with that I FEEL like an invalid. I don’t drive because of the brain fog, I don’t usually make any meals, and unless I’m feeling extra peppy I don’t even really knit or crochet.

Most of the questions have been answered, the game plan of Chemo-Surgery-Radiation is mostly set with only a few details to iron out. I have completed 4 out of 8 rounds of chemo, with infusions every two weeks. I will get a Port put in this week since I'll also have 14 rounds of Herceptin given every three weeks. I should have a few weeks off in early spring before a double mastectomy and reconstruction with another few weeks of recovery before starting daily radiation for 5/6 weeks, which will bring us into the beginning of summer.

Technically it will be less than a year of treatment, I feel ungrateful thinking its too long, others are in this obstacle course for years or more and yet I should be back to 'normal' by summertime. Somedays though it feels like its been forever, like it will be forever. The novelty has long worn off. Im tired of being sick and tired, of saying no to things I want to do because I don't want to risk the germs, of missing out on the things that give me joy and purpose like being a part of the kids school/parent council because I can't commit to anything. All the plans I had for this year are put aside. I wanted to build my business, finally recover some furniture, agility train the dogs, get involved in the community, take a big family trip, but with only a few clear energized days every two weeks, its hard to plan or build momentum enough to complete even small tasks.

I think what hits me the hardest is how much those around me are sacrificing for this fight. We all had very full lives before the diagnosis and yet so much time and effort has gone into caring for me and the kids already. My parents and MIL alternate staying with us for days at a time, in between their busy work and volunteer schedules. They pack up their stuff and give up the comfort of their own homes and uninterrupted sleep, in order to make sure my home runs smoothly. My brother and his family are ready at the drop of a hat if I need something, like the 3 hour nap I took on one of my 'good' days, even though they have a full family life themselves. And my kids are so understanding, I mean they're still kids, but they are getting the point that I need to nap in order to function and try their best to be quiet, but it breaks my heart when Asher asks, "when are you going to be done having Cancer?" because he wants me to snuggle him when he's not feeling well and I need to evaluate the risk factor first.

I don't mean to be all mopey, but I think I've tried so hard to be as positive as possible about everything that I'm sort of rebounding before I can find some equilibrium. I've talked to my doctors about these feelings and she says they are very normal but I should take the help that's offered and not feel guilty about it and try to find some joy everyday. I have a few other medications on offer if things don't perk up at all this round too.

I still derive much joy from the cards and messages being sent, I even received a photo card with messages from all the youth that came to our Lions camp this summer which was extremely touching! Anyone who has reached out, even if I haven't responded to you directly, I really appreciate you taking the time, every message is a comfort.

The plan now is to rest, meditate, exercise and live in the moment to find the joy, instead of trying to play the long game all the time.

- Katie