Fight Like a Girl - I Feel Like October

I feel like October. Bending in the blowing winds of change yet remaining strong in my foundations. Letting go of my crowning colour and shivering in my newly exposed skin. The feelings of Thanksgiving: grateful, thankful, blessed as I'm surrounded by family and love and support. I feel like so much has happened since I last wrote.

Round two has been much better than round one. We met with my medical oncologist in the days before my infusion and I brought along with me a very detailed list of all the symptoms I felt during the previous round. I didn't know what was expected or normal but I knew if there was a way to mitigate any of them I needed to do that. The biggest challenge was being able to get proper sleep, along with my fears that every new feeling was bad and potentially very serious, so she upped my Ativan and told me to not be afraid to use it. I went into round two feeling more in control, which is something I've been sorely missing. My appointment was earlier in the day, I didn't have a migraine and I got first dibs on a corner chair! During the infusion Adam brought me tea and cookies, we chatted with the other patients and learned a few things, we were relaxed and embracing our new normal. I felt pretty good for the first 5 days, my parents were up for the first few, then my MIL, to help with the kiddos and the house. Armed with knowledge and Ativan I was able to sleep really well and process any symptoms with clear thought instead of worry. This time I didn't have any of the aches and pains like before, the fatigue was my only real enemy and I met it head on with exercise, chiropractic care and staying productive. I did help with laundry and getting the kids off to school, although our parents still did the lions share, but I wasn't a complete lump and it helped me feel somewhat normal, I was embracing my new normal.

The weekend slump still hit hard. It also coincided with the very emotional and quick loss of my hair. First, if I brushed it, a noticeable amount of strands would be in the brush, then in the shower I needed to use a brush to even wash it properly and a creatures worth was removed, but when it was dry you couldn't really tell how much I'd lost, it was just less voluminous. By God's great timing a friend had just shipped me three Booboo's Beanies, (their family makes them after their own journey with cancer, their story of empowerment through pain is a beautiful one worth checking out), and I started to wear them all the time to tuck my hair into so it wasn't falling out everywhere. The next shower was revealing though, this time I could tell, anyone could....I looked like Gollum. I cried and stared at my blindingly white scalp in the mirror, I've never seen my scalp before, I even had more hair when I was born. My eyes looked like they were jumping out of my head. I felt cold, and vulnerable, and sad because I wanted to hide this from my family so I didn't have to see their sad eyes. It took me two days to show my husband, and he did have sad eyes, in his words, "we can't pretend its not real on your good days anymore". But his strength is amazing, he convinced me to not hold onto those wisps and embrace it, and while I tried not to cry at the overwhelming feelings of 'this is really REAL' he used his hair clippers and very gently revealed our new normal.

Again God's great timing prevailed, it was Thanksgiving weekend and my parents and Grandmother came up for a few days, and my sister-in-law cooked us all an amazing dinner. Although I didn't need so much help around the house I was buoyed emotionally by their love and support. My brother had his own major health scare earlier in the week and as he recovers every day I was so grateful we could be all together and celebrate the strength our family has together. I also was able to debut my new wig in our annual family photo and it made us all laugh when I said, 'oh wait, I need to go put my hair on!'

I've often wondered how those without so many family and friends get through this. I know I am blessed because every step of the way I have had amazing support from all corners. Much to my delight, two close friends brought me care packages in the form of food this week, delicious soups and baked goods fill my freezer and will fill our bellies and my soul knowing we have such good people looking out for our family.

Yesterday was a really GREAT day though. I was a little sad at first because my kids and husband are enjoying our annual Great Wolf Lodge trip with Grandpa taking my place (I couldn't risk the germs!), but my MIL came up to come with me to BRA day. First we started our day by finding a gem of a breakfast joint right up the street from me, and then went shopping and I found the perfect, comfortable yet fashionable outfit, to wear at a friends upcoming wedding. We picked up some fritters (such a guilty pleasure) and ate them while watching a perfectly cheesy rom-com before heading into London for BRA day.

Breast Reconstruction Awareness day is an annual event in which the plastic surgeons that perform them and women who have had them come together to share their knowledge with those who may be considering them. My genetic counsellor had told me about it when we met last month, as I plan to have a double mastectomy after chemo. It was a very informative evening, going over the options, the results and the challenges, both emotionally and physically. It can be a major surgery with an intense recovery, depending on what options I choose and to be honest, that scares me more than chemo. But it was empowering to know I get to choose, the only real choice I felt I've had in my journey of treatment. I'm a good candidate for whichever option I decide on, being as I'm young and reasonably fit and for once having a small chest is to my benefit! I still need to consult with my actual surgeon before deciding on the details, and it is still months away but it feels good to be able to have that time to process it. My MIL is also a gem of a woman because she will be my after care nurse and although she is a trained and experienced trauma nurse she is going the extra step to make sure she is completely up to date on the best practices to ensure a speedy and successful recovery. Having a stranger come into my home to do it stresses me out and I am so grateful to know she is willing and able to alleviate that stressor.

I'm almost looking forward to round 3 on Monday. It's one step further on this journey and although I know the only real constant is change, I can't help but feel like I can handle this because I know I'm not alone.

"With every step that I take, You are before and behind me In every fear that I face, oh I'm constantly finding You're my covering, I'm safe, I'm safe Whatever comes at me, I'm safe, I'm safe" - Your Wings by Lauren Daigle