Fight Like a Girl - the Mean Reds

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

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So this sucks. I was not prepared for how utterly defeated I would feel after just one round. The actual treatment was the easiest, and that was with a crushing migraine. I had lots of Dex which made me loopy happy, and at one point I freaked everyone out by saying my face felt fuzzy but all in all it was a relatively painless process. That night was interesting though, the pills continued my lucid dreaming state and I felt like my arms were like bloated water buffalos being buzzed around by flies. Adam assured me my vitals were good and I tried to relax which brought on a lovely vision of the 'RED DEVIL' (aka Adriamycin) kicking ass in my system. I saw a very stern mom in all her indignant glory coming in and taking over control of the lacadasical clean up in my system. You know the mom voice, the calm yet terrifying, "clean this up right now or you will lose everything you value!". The raised eyebrow and pointing finger that means business and you hurry your ass up to get a move on. She looked like me and bit like Jessica Rabbit, all scary and hypnotizing, and she got things moving. I swear I could feel those rogue cells being annihilated and thrown in the garbage.

I liked that feeling, like something good was happening and I had just enough meds to make it feel okay.

The next days blurred by with lots of crappy sleep and varying between wanting to eat and feeling like that task was the same as climbing Kilimanjaro. Luckily my mother-in-law and parents came to our rescue so my kids could eat and have clean dishes and get to school on time with a lunch. They are all wonderful. I thought the first couple of days would be bad and then I'd get on my feet, so I sent them home, saying "i'll be fine!".............nope, incorrect, not fine. The oncologists said days 5-7 might be my worst, I thought they meant nauseous, I did not think it could possibly be that bad. Days five -7 are the worst because of the Mean Reds (evil sidekick of the Blues). I'm just lucid enough to know how useless I am; I don't have to sleep all day but making cup-of-soup is exhausting, I can't seem to function beyond watching Gilmore Girls and napping on the couch while taking anti-nausea meds every 4 hours while my kids, my wonderful independent kids, entertain themselves all day. So I called in the calvary, Mom in her perfect timing called to arrange something next week and I broke down, "can you come? Ben has piano and I can't drive....I need you." Of course they came, and are staying, there is nothing like feeling cared for (with the smell of banana bread baking) to make it all seem okay, doable.

I'm still promised to feel like 'normal' soon. I look forward to that, to holding a conversation while also holding up my head, to being able to shower and brush my teeth without laying down for a minute in-between, I've never wanted to be normal more in all my life.

I have 5 days before the next round. Five days to try and reply to all the wonderful messages of support I've received, I'm still in awe of how far our message has gone, literally around the world, and its incredibly awesome for us to feel how much love is coming in, not just for me but also my wonderful husband and our kids and parents and friends. To know people care again gives strength when we need it most. Thank you.

-Katie